creed // a heart’s longing to be more and decision to be content with pressing on

Hey y’all!

I don’t know about you, but I tend to be overly critical of my projects. This could be my current novel (Mirage of Shards) or a song I’m working on; whatever it is, in the moments that I am not completely enamored by my stunning wit and intellect, I tend to beat myself up for being me.

This phenomenon is really ironic, because I like to pride myself on being me. This is the hallmark of my personality type (4) and while I take care to not get too full of myself, I really like being me. I like being different, I like knowing I am unique. Yet, in those moments where I don’t feel unique or see my project as something to be proud of, I forget everything I have established. I see a half-finished bunch of words that are probably too long and emotions that haven’t been phrased correctly.

I hate it.

I have found myself lately thinking along the lines of, “why do I have to write like this? What on earth am I doing? I wish I could phrase things like so-and-so, and sound like so-and-so… My work is bleh.” To be perfectly honest, that has really scared me.

As mentioned above, I like being unique. When I notice that I don’t feel like an “individualist,” I normally panic. And hey, to keep up with tradition, I have done so again! Wow!

I was thinking about this as I made cookies for the second time this week. pls don’t judge its quarantine ya gotta do what ya gotta do As a person whose personality tells them to base their feelings on Feelings (with a capital F), it’s really hard to go against that and run to Jesus.

Often I find myself thinking, “Oh, if only I could be the words that Hugo or Austen penned; if only I could create something like someone of their caliber.” In reality, that’s dumb. I am me. *insert wreck it ralph gif here* XD

To refer back to me making cookies (again), a quote that came to mind is from one of my favorite musicals. Bandstand, a show set in the 1940s, has a great scene between the two main characters, Julia and Donny, in which she tells him to let go of making things right and just to focus on pressing forward.

Don’t sing because you need people to hear you. Sing because you just need to sing.

Julia Trojan

While recently watching this show again, this line struck me. I love watching how the Lord speaks through things. He reminded me of why I do things. I don’t write to be heard, I don’t write to accomplish something, heck, I don’t even write to be good.

I write because He has called me to do so.

I have been set free from the things that held me captive. My name is engraved on His heart, and it’s time that His passion for me be set loose in my creativity. I know that with each word, each letter that I write down, I am taking a step closer into who God destined me to be, from the foundations of the earth.

He has called me beloved, so I am. He has called me to create, so I do. I have been created intentionally by a Mighty Creator to create beautiful reflections of His love for me.

So with His seal of Approval emblazoned on the core of my being, I create, simply because I need to.

However, that isn’t to say it will ever be easy. Oh, no no no, of course not. What did you think this was? A motivational seminar?? *scoffs*

A favorite quote of mine recently comes from a section of this Andrew Peterson video (in which he is showcasing his wonderful office… I’d kill for a work area like that, man… not really).

I have found in the twenty-five years of being a songwriter and an author that it does not get any easier, that it always is a matter of the will. You just have to decide to sit down and write the book… No matter how bad you think it is, you just have to put words on paper… You’ve got to keep going.

Andrew Peterson

This quote has been really important to me the past couple days. Plenty of creative people complain a lot about how hard everything is, and I am guilty as being one of them. Even so, I think it’s important to tell yourself firmly to just keep going. It’s perfectly fine to think your story is crap. Keep going. You can fix it once you’re finished.

In the midst of saying this, I think it is only fair to mention that I haven’t touched my novel in probably a month now. I’m being open and honest here, guys 😀 Even so, I’ve been pushing myself to be creative in different ways. One of these is journal entries. This is technically an ongoing English assignment, but I have really enjoyed myself. Here is my favorite one from this week.

One of my favorite websites, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, has an entry on the word “occhiolism.” Basically, the word encapsulates the feeling of being aware of the minuscule nature of your perspective on life and the world. “Although your life is an epic and unrepeatable anecdote, it still only has a sample size of one, and may end up being the control for a much wilder experiment happening in the next room” (Koenig). It is an interesting word, and it has an even more interesting connotation. As we have been living in this strange time I have become more aware of how little I have truly seen outside of my community. Much like a veil being lifted from our eyes, we have suddenly become aware of the entire world. This time has stripped away much of what I was content to see and experience. Watching our world search for some semblance of hope, I have realized that I have more hope than I thought I did. My hope in Jesus is unchanging, and as such, He will support me even when I feel small. 

4/24/20, by me

So know this; even in the midst of the dry season, there is water. Both in your life and in your creative attempts, there is water. Jesus offers extensive grace for all. I ask him regularly to use me, and He certainly does. Even when I feel unoriginal and dumb, I know that I have to keep on pressing forward. He has called me to this, and as such, I will keep going.

Another thing, my best friend and I posted a lovely little cover a couple days ago. This is our favorite thing since sliced bread right now, so please give it a view or two. ❤

love you all, and wash your hands! we are so close to being able to go eat in restaurants again! (depending on your location, sorry if not 😉 ) me and my family are pumped!

see you soon!

~m