we need to slow down // finding rest in the middle of chaos

Hey y’all!

This past week was a doozy. Holy smokes. You know those weeks where you look back and your brain knows what happened, but also like if someone asked you what happened, you would not be able to tell them anything for the life of you? Yep. It was that kind of week.

My week started off pretty okay. I only had two days of school this week so that was a welcome thing. Wednesday was rough for many reasons, but I couldn’t figure out why I felt so awful about everything. I finally settled on the fact that I was just really tired and probably stressed out.

When I woke up at 5:30 the next morning and threw up in the bathroom, I then realized that, no, I had felt horrible the prior day because I had contracted the stomach bug. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Can you hear the enTHUSIAsm dripping from my vOICE? It SUCKED.

What sucked, even more, was the fact that my dad and I had bought tickets to go see the Broadway touring company of Bandstand that was a mere 30 minutes away from us for one night only. Because I could keep nothing down, I ended up not being able to go.

Yes hello I had to miss this show.

I’m not bitter.

*punches a wall*

I mean, it was for the best. I didn’t want to throw up on the person in front of me. Can you imagine??

off the record but i have actually thrown up on someone like that before in life. gah it’s awful and i hate to think about it but in second grade my class and i were walking to the library and i threw up on my friend in front of me. i am so sorry ashley.

Miracles of miracles, I woke up the next morning able to walk around without getting nauseous and I ate food without throwing it up. As thankful as I was, I was internally being a pouty three-year-old, asking where this miracle had been the night before when I couldn’t go revel in Donny Novitski’s dulcet tones.

I was also able to get better so I could go to an all-day writing intensive the next day. If only I had gotten sick Friday instead of Thursday… I would’ve gotten to see Bandstand AND miss the writing class!! Alas, it didn’t work like that. I suppose it’s ironic that the writer didn’t want to go to the writing class, but it was an academic writing class. As much as I love English as a subject, an 8:30am-3:30pm class is torture. To quote Polygon’s Brian David Gilbert, “No one has ever enjoyed writing or reading an academic paper.”

In my defense, it wasn’t even fun writing. It was college application essays and “how not to panic if you are taking the writing portion of the ACT/SAT.” I was enthralled.

So to say the least, my week was okay. *pained laughter* I had a lot of good thinking time, just me and Jesus. Jokes aside, I couldn’t have gotten sick at a better time. I essentially had no homework, I had Friday off from school; the pro to con ratio was tipped in my favor.

I still need to get some personal things back in order again, but as far as responsibilities outside of my own room go, I was completely free to be stomach-bug-ridden for a day. Hated every second, but it turned out alright.

As I said before, I had a lot of time to think.

I hadn’t realized it before, mostly because I thought I had been doing pretty well with “taking care of my body,” whatever that means. I had been drinking all the water. I had been trying to get semi-normal amounts of sleep on a regular basis. I had been doing all of the stuff.

And I got sick.

I’ll tell you a thing about myself; if I think I am doing well, there is no way I will stop for anything. Determination is great for some things, but if the Lord is trying to do a thing and get your attention but you’re off galavanting in Happy Ideal Dream World, He will do what He needs to get your attention because He loves you.

The Lord has been speaking to me a lot about peace and finding rest even when you feel like you physically can’t. I really felt like this little bit of sickness was an opportunity for that.

As I was lying in my bed staring at the wall, I just turned on my worship playlist and sang along while trying not to think about puking. It was there that I felt my heart relax. As I was there in that pile of blankets, queasy, messy-haired, feverish, sleepy, and definitely not wanting to sing, I felt a certain calm.

I, along with many others, have felt like this is a season of being conscious of how I spend my time. I feel so distracted all the time, and it’s because I am distracted all the time (funny how that works, huh xD ). I feel often that I live this clenched up life where I am trying to hold everything in my arms like a toddler who won’t let go of all of her stuffed animals even when she has been dropping them on the floor. I don’t want to live like that. Hitting the ground hurts a lot more when you are tensed up.

I don’t want to be tense. I don’t want to live gripping to every false ounce of security I have. I want abandon. Sure, often life is sucky. But when you get your head in the right place during that time, there is abundant peace.

I don’t know where you are right now, but I pray that you would learn to stop gripping so tightly. Your knuckles are gonna cramp soon, and we don’t want that. 🙂 Please allow yourself to let go. God is so good. He is always right there, closer than breath itself.

I’m gonna end it here today, kiddos. I have a big week and I am just going to press further in. I won’t be able to do it without that. Pressing in is the key, guys.

Oh I also forgot to mention that on the We Are Nameless channel we have started a month long songwriting challenge, so go over there and show us some love!! 🙂

Now go forth, mis amigos and amigas, and smile. Your day is just beginning. Make the best of it. Don’t procrastinate. Work hard. Make me proud. 🙂

Love you all,

Madeleine