adomania // why do i hate change + what does this year hold

Hey y’all!

2020 is staring me in the face and I’m not sure yet if I like it. This always happens at New Years. I continually have a small existential crisis every year around this time. From the age of 8, something in me has recognized that we aren’t supposed to grow old. Time continues to march on, and we are forced to grow in that. Create new things. Do something new.


Needed, but often not wanted; at least in my case.

This is where my dilemma arises.

God makes all things new. Every sun that rises in the east, every newborn puppy, every leaf that falls to the ground; there is a season for new. This is His nature. He redeems and restores. There are mercies anew every single morning. Have a bad year? Hey guess what! New chance! Hit restart! Try again and really go for it!

I adore this about our God. I am so thankful for this element of His love, because without it, hoooooo man. He makes us like Him. We are already created in His image, but now He is changing us to be like Him. Thank goodness for that!

But even so, the concept of a new year scares me continually. Maybe it springs from the fear that I didn’t get a hold on this last year. Maybe it’s because of my fear of change and failure. Not really able to pinpoint that, but I know it isn’t something that should be happening.

New is a gift. It is rude to not accept a gift. This gift is free and it’s for our good and growth. So why do I want to avoid it?

There is a blog-ish thing I really like called The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. He takes random words describing feelings that aren’t common words and then uses them to make a poetic definition. These definitions play off of emotions we understand well, and put things to words that we have been unable to pinpoint. One that has stuck out to me for ages is the word “adomania.” Here is the definition.

adomanian. the sense that the future is arriving ahead of schedule, that all those years with fantastical names like ‘2013’ are bursting from their hypothetical cages into the arena of the present, furiously bucking the grip of your expectations while you lean and slip in your saddle, one hand reaching for reins, the other waving up high like a schoolkid who finally knows the answer to the question.

2020 is almost here. Why am I so hesitant to look it in the eye? The funny thing about years is that they come and exist whether you want them to or not.

After analyzing this strange fear of being left behind or unprepared, I have figured that it stems from me believing the lie that I am not able to get things done and be successful in a timely manner.

Something inside my head with two horns and a pitchfork screams, “There will always be another year coming. There will always be a new thing. Look at you believing that you can get it all done. There is always more. There is always the unknown and you should be terrified because you may never survive out there. How dare you think that you can do something? You can’t be prepared. Time goes on forever; do you really think you can do anything in this world?”

It’s a lie. It’s so clearly a lie that I actually chuckled typing that out.

I am made and created for such a time as this. I am deemed with a task, and am blessed from the start. I have been called and commissioned. I have full and unlimited potential. There is nowhere I can’t go with Him. There is nothing that will hold me back except listening to the lies of the Enemy, so this is where I put my sword in the ground.

This is where this fear ends. 2020 is when we step into our full potential. I speak this over myself and you who are reading this. This ends here, and this ends now. Speak that over yourself.

2019 has been such a year of growth. I can’t even begin to describe how much I have changed. Things have taught me to cling to God through joy and to do the same through pain.

Being up front and honest, this year, there was a lot of mental pain. Many days I felt like I was barely keeping my head afloat. But the thing that got me through it wasn’t choosing to be happy. I learned that we aren’t guaranteed to be happy all the time. With all of the crap in this world, chances are that we won’t be happy a majority of the time. The chances of that are stunningly high.

However, we are called to cling to joy. A Christian is always called to joy. Joy is available in the darkest of nights and the brightest of days. There is no where to deep or dark where the Joy of the Lord can’t reach. His joy can be our joy, we just have to choose for it to be so.

My God never changes. He stays the same yesterday, today, and forever. My hope in Him is secure. I don’t have to panic about 2020. There has been so much growth in 2019, I can be assured that He will do more and bless me even more abundantly in 2020. He has proven His love and favor time and time again, so I am leaning back into that.

I may have said this before, but each new year, I ask Him for a word for my year. This word is something I cling to and challenge myself to step into. Last year was “woman up and dig deep.” There was a sense of urgency for intimacy. It meant closeness. I did just that. There was so much rooting (rooting?) that happened this year. I worked on my stable foundation, that being my relationship with Jesus, and I can say that He accomplished much in my life in that area. I stepped into my identity more fully, and I have changed so much.

This next year, I am being challenged with “rise up.” Now that I have my foundation, I am able to stand. I am being called into battle. Like a Susan Pevensie, I am strapping my quiver to my back and picking up my bow. I am Rey, picking up her lightsaber and pressing into the force. There have been multiple pictures I have gotten that partner with this. I feel like this year is going to be significant in many ways. There is a great sense of anticipation that is waiting on the other side of January 1st.

I always ask for a song and this year, among many, is Warrior by Aurora.

I have stepped into the light and have stepped into freedom. I have agreed with who God says I am. I am free and ready to step into more. I know my path is laid out and I only have to take His hand. He likes to walk with me, so we’re going on an adventure. I am a warrior, and we go together. I am going in His peace and timing, but boy am I going to kick butt this year. 😀

He has handed me the tools to win, and now I have to put them to use.

Man, guys. This was a post. I suppose I should apologize for going full out existential crisis but also really not existential crisis (?) at the same time. I hope that this means something to you. I know for a fact I am not alone in my new year debacle. If anything, I hope this was encouraging. I hope that you ask the same “What is a word for my year?” question. It really sets your mindset for the year and lines you up to win.

Anyways, after a long post of me rambling about emotional things and Jesus (typical blog post hahahaaaaa), it’s time for us to part ways.


See you in a decade…

*da dum tsssh*

Now go forth, mis amigos and amigas, and smile. Your day is just beginning. Make the best of it. Don’t procrastinate. Work hard. Make me proud. 🙂

Love you all,


11 thoughts on “adomania // why do i hate change + what does this year hold

  1. So good, Maddy! Awesome job! It’s so neat to see your writing changing and getting a next step better… This was really, really good :))

    Happy new year! Eat yummy food, laugh with your family, and ring in 2020 with the fearlessness you’ve prepared to step into 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dude when you start talking about stuff like this I am always blown away by the way you think about these things and your maturity because I can’t articulate like this so like wow well done I love this I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. WOW! This sums things up perfectly. God has grown me in so many different ways this past year, I find it crazy that all of it didn’t take up more time than it did! Thank you for speaking over us for 2020. May God bless your year as well!

    Liked by 1 person

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